Is it really true? Could I really be THIRTY-NINE years old??? Yes, it's true - the little baby girl pictured above is now an old woman! Yesterday was my 39th birthday. How did that happen? And my aunt was so kind to point that fact out to me (that I'm old) in a birthday email (as she does most years) - of coure, she should know...she's a decade ahead of me! Just remember Carolyn...you'll hit the BIG 5-0 almost TWO FULL MONTHS before I hit the big 4-0 next year! Ha! Ha!
My aunt and I are more like sisters - we may pick at each other, but our love for each other is so strong that we'll fiercly defend each other if anyone tries to hurt one of us! Below is a picture of us setting the table at my grandparent's house (a few years ago), where our whole family often gathered together for dinner! It must have been someone's birthday! Hee! Hee!Seriously, though - this birthday hit me harder than most. Even turning thirty didn't hurt so much. I guess because when I turned 30, my life was really just beginning! I had just completed college and was looking forward to my first teaching position! Little did I know it at the time, but I was also about to move 650 miles away from my parents to find the man God had chosen for me! God was just about to send me on a journey of blessings beyond my wildest dreams!
Somehow, though, by realizing that 40 was just a year away, it made me feel like I'm running out of time to conceive and give birth to a child. I guess it doesn't help that the baby we lost to miscarriage was due this month. So, I guess it's a little bit of everything hitting all at once that gives me the sudden desire to pull out all the stops and do everything humanly possible to conceive a child! It doesn't matter - we couldn't afford it anyway. Yes, I know all things in God's timing - I just wish sometimes (ok, most times) that He would grant me a little peek at His calendar (not that He needs to keep one - but you know what I mean)! :)
But, if we could afford it, I don't know what we would do. On the one hand, I think it would be amazing to go through the whole process - and David so desires to be in the delivery room and witness the birth of our next child (he was asked to leave the delivery room right before Christopher was born). On the other hand, it seems almost selfish for us to spend that money on a "chance" of another child, rather than using it to adopt a child who needs our loving home. Don't misunderstand me - I am NOT saying that those who have chosen IVF are selfish - far from it! I believe God has a plan for those children. Without IVF, the world would never have known Mason, Hunter, Parker, Tanner, Taylor, Blake, or Lily (seven children who have been conceived by friends of mine through IVF). God has a special plan for each of those seven lives, just as He has a plan for Christopher's life (which included being conceived by a different couple, but being raised as our son), and all other children in the world! I don't understand His plan - and I would never be so arrogant as to suppose one plan for a child's life is superior to another. I believe God leads us each on different journeys - and it is not for any of us to judge the other person's journey.
I guess I'm just trying to say that I have no idea where God is leading us on our journey (not that anyone really does). For now, we're in that all-too familiar waiting room - just waiting to see where God wants us next! Another option I've thought a lot about is embryo adoption - taking the frozen embryo of a couple who no longer needs it (because they have conceived all the children they can through IVF) and giving that child a chance at life in my womb. David and I aren't so much hung up on the idea that a child has to be ours biologically (obviously) - we just would like the experience of knowing our child from the earliest moment possible - in the womb! Perhaps...or perhaps not...it's all in God's hands!
I'd love to know your thoughts. Sometimes God speaks to us through the words of others. Perhaps He'll give me the wisdom I need in something you have to say! :)