Monday, July 14, 2008

Am I Really THIS Old?


Is it really true? Could I really be THIRTY-NINE years old??? Yes, it's true - the little baby girl pictured above is now an old woman! Yesterday was my 39th birthday. How did that happen? And my aunt was so kind to point that fact out to me (that I'm old) in a birthday email (as she does most years) - of coure, she should know...she's a decade ahead of me! Just remember Carolyn...you'll hit the BIG 5-0 almost TWO FULL MONTHS before I hit the big 4-0 next year! Ha! Ha!

My aunt and I are more like sisters - we may pick at each other, but our love for each other is so strong that we'll fiercly defend each other if anyone tries to hurt one of us! Below is a picture of us setting the table at my grandparent's house (a few years ago), where our whole family often gathered together for dinner! It must have been someone's birthday! Hee! Hee!

Seriously, though - this birthday hit me harder than most. Even turning thirty didn't hurt so much. I guess because when I turned 30, my life was really just beginning! I had just completed college and was looking forward to my first teaching position! Little did I know it at the time, but I was also about to move 650 miles away from my parents to find the man God had chosen for me! God was just about to send me on a journey of blessings beyond my wildest dreams!

Somehow, though, by realizing that 40 was just a year away, it made me feel like I'm running out of time to conceive and give birth to a child. I guess it doesn't help that the baby we lost to miscarriage was due this month. So, I guess it's a little bit of everything hitting all at once that gives me the sudden desire to pull out all the stops and do everything humanly possible to conceive a child! It doesn't matter - we couldn't afford it anyway. Yes, I know all things in God's timing - I just wish sometimes (ok, most times) that He would grant me a little peek at His calendar (not that He needs to keep one - but you know what I mean)! :)

But, if we could afford it, I don't know what we would do. On the one hand, I think it would be amazing to go through the whole process - and David so desires to be in the delivery room and witness the birth of our next child (he was asked to leave the delivery room right before Christopher was born). On the other hand, it seems almost selfish for us to spend that money on a "chance" of another child, rather than using it to adopt a child who needs our loving home. Don't misunderstand me - I am NOT saying that those who have chosen IVF are selfish - far from it! I believe God has a plan for those children. Without IVF, the world would never have known Mason, Hunter, Parker, Tanner, Taylor, Blake, or Lily (seven children who have been conceived by friends of mine through IVF). God has a special plan for each of those seven lives, just as He has a plan for Christopher's life (which included being conceived by a different couple, but being raised as our son), and all other children in the world! I don't understand His plan - and I would never be so arrogant as to suppose one plan for a child's life is superior to another. I believe God leads us each on different journeys - and it is not for any of us to judge the other person's journey.

I guess I'm just trying to say that I have no idea where God is leading us on our journey (not that anyone really does). For now, we're in that all-too familiar waiting room - just waiting to see where God wants us next! Another option I've thought a lot about is embryo adoption - taking the frozen embryo of a couple who no longer needs it (because they have conceived all the children they can through IVF) and giving that child a chance at life in my womb. David and I aren't so much hung up on the idea that a child has to be ours biologically (obviously) - we just would like the experience of knowing our child from the earliest moment possible - in the womb! Perhaps...or perhaps not...it's all in God's hands!

I'd love to know your thoughts. Sometimes God speaks to us through the words of others. Perhaps He'll give me the wisdom I need in something you have to say! :)

3 comments:

NaplesRhonda said...

I understand both sides of what you are saying Kara. You don't have to give birth to be a mother (as you well know). I am the mom to two step-kids, and I'm as much their mom as the woman that gave birth to them! You know the joy of adoption. I've also struggled with not giving birth to my own children, but some people were meant to raise kids that someone else gave birth too, who couldn't raise them herself. It's a very honorable position!

HatCreekGal said...

Okay, so you just turned 39 and I just turned 49... and I think it's great! I wanted to let you know about a unique form of adoption that is much less expensive than IVF, domestic or international adoption: frozen human embryo adoption! What??? That's right, there are LOTS of embryos remaining after people finish building their families through IVF. These embryos remain in a frozen state until the family can determine what to do with them. Many of these embryos have been donated to fertility clinics who have donor programs and many have been donated to organizations who facilitate embryo adoption. One of these agencies is called the Snowflakes Frozen Embryo Adoption program. Through this program you would be matched with a donor family. The extent of the contact between the families is determined by both families. The best part is that you get to experience pregnancy, control the in-utero environment for your growing baby and give birth to your adopted child. Isn't that fantastic? I want to encourage you to investigate this adoption alternative by visiting www.Snowflakes.org. I myself had my daughter at 45 years old [not an embryo adoption] after 10 years of infertility struggles. You're not too old yet! You can also find more information on the www.EmbryoAdoption.org web site. The videos on that site are very interesting and educational.

Kelly said...

I love the waiting room analogy! I can relate! It's just so true! You sit there and you wait patiently while every other person is called in and it feels like you're being skipped over or you're being cut in line. I've been in that waiting room too and it's hard to be in there...that is where the answers lie as you wait patiently!! xoxo