Today, I was blindsided by unexpected grief. There was no reason to have felt it at that time...I was just missing my Nana. I had picked Christopher up from school and we were heading home when all of a sudden, grief grabbed my heart like a vice grip and just would not let go. I was helpless to keep the tears from flowing down my cheeks. Thankfully, Christopher had fallen asleep, so he didn't have to witness his mommy falling apart. To make matters worse, Homesick by Mercy Me came on the radio. That's when the sobs began, because it expressed exactly what I was feeling at that moment.
Since she went Home to Heaven a couple months ago, I have wanted so many times to pick up the phone and call my grandmother...then realize there's no phone lines in Heaven. I guess they don't have much need for them on their end. Lately, the silliest of things have made me think of her...and thus, miss her. Yesterday, I was on my way to pick Christopher up from school when I noticed the spare wheel on the back of a car (told you it was silly!). The pattern of the spokes formed a flower pattern & it reminded me of the flowers Nana used to doodle. Tears formed in my eyes, but that time, I was able to fight them back.
Nana was more than my grandmother - she was my best friend! When I was a child, we played together. She encouraged my creativity. She fostered my love of reading. She made me feel nothing in the world was more important than to be with me at any given moment. The housework could wait. The TV programs could wait. Everything could wait. As I grew older, she was the person I could talk to about anything without any fear of rejection. If I had a problem or was uncertain about something, I could always ask Nana. If she didn't agree with my point of view, she would find a kind way to let me know and we could discuss it at length without any condemnation. Usually she was able to convince me, through her loving persuasion, to her way of thinking. And I am so thankful for her wisdom in guiding my thoughts. I am wiser today because of her.
Nana taught me to love church. She devoted her life to helping my grandfather in his role as pastor of Northside Baptist Church for 43 years. To this day, I remember how she would link her pinky finger over mine during the prayer. I didn't learn until her funeral that she had also done that with my aunt Carolyn and my cousin Katie, as well. It was something I once thought was something special just between my grandmother and me...but became even more special that day as I realized it was something I also shared with some other precious family members!
Nana loved the hymns...but she never sang in church. She didn't think her voice was good enough, even to sing in the congregation...but I loved the times I heard her sing at home. Now that she's in Heaven, I'm sure she's singing with the perfect voice she longed for on earth and enjoying every moment of singing in the Heavenly Chorus!
I'm sure Nana's doing lots of things in Heaven now. So many things she can do that she couldn't do here on earth. And I'm sure she'd love to tell me (and the rest of our family) all about them! But God, in His infinate wisdom, has decided not to allow communication between those who have gone before us and those who are left behind. Today, I read a Facebook post by a lady at our church who quoted her 3-year-old son when he said, "Mommy, Can we go to Heaven?" My initial response was that if they figure out a way to visit, I wanted to know! Then I realized...if I went for a visit, I'd never want to come back. And if I did, my focus would be on getting back to Heaven as soon as I could - not on what God has for me to do here. Perhaps that's why God has allowed the lack of communication between Heaven and earth. Our job here is to focus on the work He has for us to do. That's what Nana would tell me if she was here & that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I may not be perfect, and I'm sure to make even more mistakes than I already have...but I'll do my best! And when my time comes, I'll again feel Nana's & Grandaddy's arms wrapped tightly around me...as I can only imagine now. And even better than that, I'll feel the overwhelming love and acceptance of my Heavenly Father! How great Heaven's going to be when we get there! As the old hymn says, "when the roll is called up yonder, I'll be there!" :)